Time to Stop Talking and Start Doing
Recently, with the help of many people around me, I honestly admitted to myself that it’s time for me to stop talking and start doing. Let me explain.
Just the other day, my friend Rakeen and I made a trip to the bookstore in order to brainstorm ideas for Vunty and the direction of the blog. As I was suggesting ideas in one of the book aisles, Rakeen slowed me down, and asked, “Wait a minute, are you actually going to do any of the things you’re mentioning?” It was a great question. I then started asking myself, among the numerous ideas I had, which of these would I actually attempt? I began to realize that there were many I probably would not even try. Some of them seemed too fantastical or required a skill I did not possess. But the main obstacle to my development was the discomfort of not knowing where an idea could lead me. I felt too attached to my present state, and I feared for what could happen if I took a leap into the unknown.
Leaving My Comfort Zone
Rakeen then challenged me further saying, “If you really want to change, you have to do something that will make you uncomfortable.” Rakeen is right. The most uncomfortable area is where I have the most room to grow. The validity and value of the point closely resonated with me. I knew it on an intellectual level, but reminders are helpful. I then started to really ask myself, am I making attempts to leave my comfort zone on a consistent basis? Because where I am too afraid to venture is where I have the most room to grow. For example, I have always struggled with being social. Making conversation does not come easy to me. Upon meeting new people I seem to shy away, hiding my personality, afraid of God knows what. I would certainly like to work on developing a level of comfort in social situations, but I can no longer continue just talking about it. Now it is time for me to start “doing”. I will not delay this leap into the uncomfortable, not only for personal reasons but also for the growth of this blog. What would a personal development blog be without my being proactive about my development, despite feeling discomfort? I mean, that is the purpose of a personal development blog, right? To change yourself in a drastic way, actually do something, and then share how you did it with your readers? So at the very least, this is motivated by my blogging pursuits.
But of course, I’m doing this for personal reasons too. Thinking back on my personal journey with social anxiety, it is as if I had been a caterpillar who formed a cocoon. As other caterpillars around me started to come out of their cocoons, I remained complacent and tried to find new ways of improving my habitat from the inside. However, in time, other butterflies noticed I was staying behind and they wanted me to join them outside. Instead of waiting any longer, they decided to help me depart from my cozy environment. As I felt the effects of their actions on my cocoon, it began to hit me; there had been numerous occurrences in which other butterflies had also tried to help me leave my comfortable cocoon. Eventually, in spite of the great strength of my efforts, the numerous bumps catalyzed the natural process that my fear had been delaying. And so, with this post, I encourage myself to stop talking about improving, and start actually doing it. Even if that means I will be forced out of my comfort zone. Because when I choose to leave behind my comfy little cocoon, I will be able to join the other butterflies, floating happily along and confidently communicating my unique nature.
But this post would not be complete without an anecdote about my leap into the unknown. Without an anecdote, this post would just be more talk and no walk. And so, my friend Rakeen and I made a trip back to the bookstore. And again, he challenged me to push myself out of my comfort zone. That day, right then and there. No more excuses or maybe laters. He nudged me along saying, “I want you to go find someone in this store right now and talk to them.” He even gave me a line I could use to start a conversation. As he stood there suggesting what I was to say, my feelings of anxiety began to build in my stomach. I began to run through the future scenario in my mind, already predicting how the conversation would go. The interesting part was that I began making excuses for why I couldn’t go and talk to someone. I reasoned with myself, saying, “they don’t want to talk to you; people at the bookstore don’t want to be bothered, they’re here to find information and you shouldn’t interrupt them.” Looking back on this experience, it now seems as though I was justifying my anxiety. Maybe there was a small bit of truth to the statement that these people didn’t want to be bothered, but if that was the case, they could just tell me.
The feelings of dread in my stomach only got worse and worse (as you may know, social anxiety often arouses physiological reactions). I continued to relent and resist, saying “No. I won’t go talk to strangers, that would be weird.” But with Rakeen’s help and with some thought, I was able to more and more clearly perceive that I was merely labeling the situation as weird, when it really wasn’t. How could an action be weird, in and of itself? It cannot. As with many other things in life, it was my mindset or belief about the action that was determining how I perceived it. Now that I could reason that the action itself wasn’t weird, I felt a little more comfortable with the idea of talking to strangers, but still not completely. Let me assure you, social anxiety is not so simple that it may be conquered on the first attempt.
Baby Steps in the Right Direction
After ten minutes or so of thinking it over in my mind some more, my friend and I made an agreement. He would go with me to approach and talk to a stranger. We picked out someone in the store, and went to ask the man a question. We agreed upon asking a neutral question and something we were authentically interested in knowing. My friend and I approached the gentleman and Rakeen started off by asking, “Of the material you read in the store, how would you feel about reading it on a blog?” He then created some space for me to join in on the conversation and I asked a question. The deed was done. My first baby step (saying a few words to a stranger at a bookstore) was completed. I still didn’t feel so good about the idea of talking to strangers though. After another ten minutes or so, my friend and I then decided that we must try again, and this time I must be the one who starts the conversation. So after much struggling, I agreed. We approached another stranger, person number two, and asked him the same question. Except this time, I was the one who initiated the conversation. Even after this second attempt, I didn’t feel excellent. I felt as though I was still too dependent, and that truly I should be able to speak for myself. And yet, I was too frightened to approach a stranger entirely on my own. Was this a rational thought process? No. But this was honestly how I felt. So we left the bookstore, and as we walked out into the parking lot to leave, I became upset with myself for my inability to approach a stranger.
Accepting my feelings of regret, I came to realize that I should be proud of myself for making the first few steps in the right direction. The negative feelings I had were a benevolent part of the growth process. They were proof that I truly wanted to overcome my anxiety. I decided it was better that I felt upset rather than being merely apathetic towards the process. Then I acknowledged the two steps I had made and felt proud. Proud that I was working toward something, and made some steps in the right direction. Proud that I set my priorities and put first things first. Because I know that if I continue doing this on a consistent basis, I will be able to develop a habit of being more social.
My Personal Myth
I am a nineteen- year-old college student who is going to make it big in this world. Many would rather ridicule me than bear with the alternative: impassive, or at best, half-hearted support. Their cold hardheartedness ironically fuels my desire with warmth that creeps around my mouth until I cannot bear it any longer… My mouth opens. The fire engulfs it all, everything that is within. Can you feel what I am feeling? Every muscle and every bone in my body SCREAMS for life. Have you been lucky enough to know? Ahh! So this is why I live? Hmm…interesting, to say the least. Let us stop and think for a moment.
Debunking the Epic
I stress the importance of living life as an epic based upon awareness of my own values, experiences, and, above all, emotions. According to the World English Dictionary, an epic is defined as “an episode in the lives of men in which heroic deeds are performed or attempted.” The attempt of a deed must come to fruition, with its nature being heroic in some manner or form. How do I manage this when, sometimes, it seems as if the world takes great pleasure in dishing out boredom left and right despite the knowledge that any lack of emotion is my own doing 100%?
If I ever need a reminder, all I have to do is look back at the beginning of this post, and try to empathize with the writer sitting by himself in his room in the heat of summer in front of a machine that complains about the heat using its loudest voice, a computer fan. Somehow, at that moment in time, this person who no longer exists in the same exact way he did then, managed to extract value from some simple feeling, reflecting, and writing, and incorporate it into his life. This value was within him and he had yet to act upon it. But for some reason, it felt as if a vibrant (and, dare I say it, ALIVE) emanation had already begun to influence everything and everyone around him. The key is to not end up satisfied with simply the feeling, because that only constitutes the beginning of the experience. Going back to the words on a screen is selling myself short. Taking that intense energy and channeling (determining the level and form of HEROISM) it into action (the DEED) will create physical value, within both my mind and the minds of others. Then and only then can the reminders become unnecessary. The lifestyle will self-perpetuate.
The Benefit
Okay, so now that I have a better understanding of what the epic life is, why should I strive to live it? If only the reason were to prove them all wrong, all the “disbelievers.” What a thought. Hah! It is easier just to rid myself of friends who disagree and instead surround myself with “yes men.” I would find an abundance of the passive if I were interested in bolstering my reputation. But alas, it is not that easy. Why then would I shoot for this seemingly delusional state of mind? Think of the rigors of the insurmountable climb, the heaviness of the world on one set of shoulders, and the daunting feeling of impossibility and helplessness. There is a violent clash here between triumph and failure, and in that violence I discover feelings that have the power to sway me in ways that other types of pursuits of happiness would not provide by a long shot. And so, I shoot my arrow at victory, but I make sure to tie the end of my arrow to the start of my day so that it never leaves today behind.
“What we resist persists”–Sonia Johnson
Fighting back against a force in our life just adds more power to it. So it is with change. You must ask yourself, do you want to live a life of resistance to change or one of acceptance and freedom?
So in order to help you, I will answer the following questions.
What is change? What are our beliefs about change? How do we accept change?
When we think of change in relation to life as a whole, we begin to notice that nothing in life is permanent. In fact, everything in life is constantly changing. Every day brings with it something new. So even a day that may seem the same as the last, never really is. Logically we may come to the conclusion that change is life and that life is change.
Sometimes we forget that life is change and instead we fear it. We may fear change because we view it as a threat. A threat to our safety, our security, or our happiness. Or perhaps we view it as a change that will bring unknown results and so we are afraid. However, when it comes down to it, nothing outside of us can prevent us from feeling safe, secure, or happy. It is very easy to get used to our current circumstances in life and not accept change. Often times when change comes our way we are challenged to make decisions, let go of fear, or to try something different. Sometimes we feel afraid and so we choose what is normal to us. We may even unknowingly work to maintain the same conditions.
However, when we are confronted with change, how do we react? Do we see it as an opportunity?
Well, we have a choice. We can either go with the change in our life or resist it and and attempt to control it.
When we decide to go with change we often look back and realize that this acceptance lead to some of our most dear moments.
Once we remember that life is change, change becomes easier and things flow more smoothly. Instead of resisting change and trying to control things we have no control over, we submit to change and trust in our ability to handle it.
1. Acknowledge that change is life and life is change.
2. Maintain present moment awareness.
3. Do not resist change but embrace it and always remember to BREATHE.
4. Trust that you will end up where you belong no matter what path you take to get there.
5. Rejoice in the fact that you can create the change you would like to see.
6. Be graceful and demonstrate love and kindness throughout the process.
7. Be open and don’t judge.
